I know it’s going to be hard if you just started your self-love journey. It was, for me too.
Let’s start from the point where I had to start, I had completely rejected and forgotten all parts of me, all my past that I did not like. And then I had to finally face everything.
I haven’t been posting anything about my relationships here, because you know, Indians !! But I can share what is required badly now. Anyways most of the people who know me, they know all of this stuff.
I was in a relationship with a guy, quite toxic. When the relationship started to fall off, in just a few months, I tried to fix everything. He just tried to block me everywhere and I kept trying to fix his life for him. I went on telling him to work on his self-esteem, his friendships, his conflict-avoidant nature. I ended up with no results because you can not change a person unless they want to, this has been a lesson that life kept throwing at me repeatedly for three years, even in friendships and at work, until I started using it into my life.
Whatever I tried to fix for him, in a few months I started observing the same problems in my life. First my own self-esteem, my own habit of people-pleasing, next to my toxic friendships, my boundaries, my priorities and then all patterns that I acquired while growing up.
I was just thrown off into deep shadow work, just like that. My life was falling apart and with that, all my wounds were coming to surface. I started writing all my emotions into a diary, I kept writing each fear of mine into that list. I also wrote each memory from my past that haunted me. Meanwhile, new people, new abusers, new problems, kept coming into my life at the same time. It was very difficult, but I just made it through somehow, all I knew was to not give up.
When I was over the phase of writing everything down, as much as I could m I started working on it one by one. I still have flashbacks of things that I rejected about myself, but now it’s easy because I have practised enough. Every time I remember a bitter memory, I know what wound it caused and what behaviours I learnt, what shame it put me into.
A lot of motivational speakers show self-love as if it’s going to be all good. But it’s a difficult process to learn, it’s not all easy, with self-reflection, you are entering into the journey of facing your Shadows, all the shame that anyone has ever caused in life and made you feel less worthy, it’s all going to come to the surface.
Healing is a journey, there is never going to be an end to it, but after a point, you will reach saturation, and that point is our goal.
Self-acceptance is so important, it means self-reflection, self-love, shadow work, all are being done. Learn to accept all parts of yourself and that a lot of stuff has been put by this world onto you. Start being your own friend, you will start getting rid of the shame, your environment caused you. Self-acceptance made me accept my own mistakes and also whatever wrong was done to me.
If you find your own mistakes, it’s okay to take time to feel the regret, give yourself time to grieve. But after a point, you have to stop grieving and forgive yourself. Some people might have done something, that isn’t forgivable morally. But all you can do is free yourself from resentment. You do not have to carry someone else’s pain anymore. Free yourself. People get their Karma eventually. Your focus should not be about them getting their Karma back, but about taking your power back, giving yourself a chance to live your true authentic self.
Share is not an easy thing to come out of, but you are strong and you can do it. You do not need to share your bad experiences with everyone, but if you will look around, there will be 2-3 people in your life, who will be ready to accept all parts of you. I found that in my family, I never expected it to turn out that way, but they have been through everything with me.
Look around, share it with someone who knows what listening to shame means, who loves you unconditionally, who has a compassionate heart and makes you feel safe. If that is not possible, be your own friend, share things with yourself, learn to console yourself. All you need to do is, be true to yourself. Whatever you show to the world, at least don’t hide the truth from yourself. If you that, your soul suffers with it, I have experienced it personally.
You can always go for therapy, it’s a therapists job to make you feel comfortable and safe to share all your emotions with them. Please do not suffer in silence (adding this part after watching the new today).
Shadow is the part of yourself that you have rejected, out of your own insecurities, because of trauma, the moments of shame and feeling worthless. All those are acknowledged as a shadow. Most of the times, what you hate about others, is also a part of your shadow. Once you have done shadow work, you will know the difference, you will experience self-fulfilment.
So I just shared something personal, yes I have been in love. Every time I thought now I have found the one, I was disappointed, I have a pretty normal life, just like everyone. I thought trying to fix everything on my own in a relationship is unconditional love, then I started noticing this unconditional love is not bringing me happiness as it should have, I learnt to let people go.
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#prettysmarttechie #selflove #selfacceptance #shadowwork #healing